“That people, even more than things, lost their boundaries and overflowed into shapelessness is what most frightened Lila in the course of her life.” – “The Story of a New Name” by Elena Ferrante (P.355)
I ate tuna for dinner four times this week. I am officially a cat now. I might also be in danger of mercury poisoning so if COVID doesn’t get me…
Why do we binge? Be it eating, drinking, watching Netflix or any other medium, sometimes it’s real darn hard to stop. The latter being casually evil since they just keep playing episode after episode expecting you to be the assertive one and make a move of pause or rejection. I mean, like many of my people, (you know who you are) we are always open to suggestions. If someone says here I brought you this roast duck or piece of cake, I don’t usually turn them down. Just call me Sure-ly. Often when I’m particularly hungry and I eat something, (and no one is watching) I pretty much wolf down my food and sometimes hurry back to make seconds. Nacho-nite is a stellar example. With food, bingeing might be simply a physical desire to fill the void. With the miserable ache of hunger, like a grand lion pining away in complaint, food is a holy gift of fresh kill. Emptiness in our bellies, hearts and minds are the voids that we fight as a daily ritual. The true terror is when the void turns out to be a black hole or when we have no means to sate our hunger.
Have you ever taught or disciplined a youth because they refused to stop doing something? It’s usually not because the kid is ignorant of what they are supposed to be doing or not doing. They just cannot or will not stop. Whether you’re setting limits on how many servings of juice one is allowed, or protecting a defenseless but adorable house pet from being overly adored, self-control is a skill that must be learned and practiced to master. If you don’t set these limits or monitor these impulses, I don’t envy your social dynamic with the teen-to-be someday. And always, there is the oft-heard promise that someday when you’re old enough and on your own, you can make your own decisions about meals and other adult things. And still. Guess what happens to many of us who adult? We binge behind close doors and sometimes drink too much in bars, or vice versa, or really any combo thereof.
I remember finishing my bowl of rice as a child. Every bite I took seemed to go nowhere, as if there were some kind of infinite anti-void in the bottom of my bowl fighting my efforts at every second. Like a surreal fountain of seemingly never-ending rice. And when you grow up in a house where cleaning your plate is law, the frustration is real. I would imagine Atlas pushing a giant rice bowl up a great hill. To this day, I force myself to clean my plate even when I’m full. We get programmed as kids. Deprogramming is hard even when aware of one’s coding.
In the 2005 film “Constantine,” a priest, named Father Hennessy,* is cursed into thinking he is unable to drink alcohol when in actuality, he is simply being manipulated by a cruel & conniving demon. His mind can’t register his bodily action of imbibing and his cravings lead to extreme overdose and death soaked in liquid obliteration.
Perhaps when we binge the link between mind and body is simply broken or interrupted. Or perhaps the mind tells stories, like small fictions and the body just goes along with it. Akin to a demon telling stories or the manipulative affections of Cain and Abel forever intertwined to distract us from reality, as one hurts the other over and over. Tangent: I wonder if the so-named phantom limb perhaps haunts the mind out of revenge rather than routine.
There’s a four book binge-worthy series by the author known as Elena Ferrante that begins with “My Brilliant Friend.” It’s a mesmerizing exploration of two girls from a violent and impoverished Napoli neighborhood and how their friendship over their lifetime is both inspiring and cruel. Ferrante challenges our raw relationships with honesty, testing the boundaries of what one feels and shares. How we hold onto our lies and how it shapes us. How we form relationships because of this shapelessness is like crafting shifting DNA into our shifty souls. How sometimes we cannot get enough of another and how sometimes we cannot stop hurting one another…
I cannot recommend the series enough.
* When clicking on the Father Hennessey link, on the bottom right of the video, click the small GIF tab next to the MP4 tab to see what I was referring to.